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Simple English

Kev Richardson

SIMPLE ENGLISH is more than recognising the Hies and Loughs in our language..........

A is for Apple but how to say it? Spellings and sounds don’t match

Whichever way you look at them there always is a catch.

Mate and Freight and Great and Bait, all sound much the same

And Hair and Wear and Mare and Where are others in the game.

And why doesn’t Mallet sound like Wallet, or Gaff like Quaff or Chaff?

Or War like Far, or Cat like What, or Aught and Taught like Laugh?

And why doesn’t Cart spell like Heart, or Wart like Caught or Taut,

Or Draught like Graft or Brake like Break or Calf like Scarf? Abort!

E is for Easy but not in this case for it varies without reason,

Heathen and Heather spell alike yet the sounds are nowt but teasin’

As are Seat and Sweat, Speak and Steak, Beard and Heart and Early,

Hear and Bear, Heave and Heaven, Rear and Pear and Burly.

Creek and Speak sound alike as do Bier and Cheer and Here

As do See and Key, Scene and Been, Seer and Mere and Drear.

And where is the E in Quay or Ski? And why isn’t Sever like Fever?

Or Heaven like Seven or Breezy like Easy, or Receiver like Griever or Beaver?

I is for Idiom, the way we speak, yet how we spell is Frightful,

With Bright or Trite or even Height, the choice is almost Spiteful.

Variation is fun for some, with Quire or Choir or Via,

And I and Eye and Buy and Aye and Fryer and Crier and Prior.

Idle or Idol, Climber or Timber, Plinth or Ninth or Busy,

Hype yet Gripe and Hint yet Pint, the choices make one Dizzy.

Wind yet Mind, Ivy yet Privy, Pie and Sigh and Sky,

Alive yet Give, Ski yet Pi. Could we make it Bye and Buy ?

O is for Options it would seem, take pity on my Soul,

The variations never end, hence Sole and Foal and Bowl,

Tomb and Bomb and Comb and Home, Though and Low and Toe,

Encroach yet Brooch and Mould yet Would, it’s the very Sew and So.

Cork yet Work and Lost yet Post are reeling round my Forehead,

Food yet Flood and Gone yet Done, it’s absolutely Horrid.

Gloat and Rote and Flower and Flour - I don’t know what to Do.

Tour, Sour, Golf and Wolf - I’ve had it Through and Threw.

U is for Useful as words should be, provided they make sense

But we give them insufficient care, toss them over the fence.

Why have Gull and Dull then Full and Bull, or Rubble and Trouble impure?

Or Berry like Bury yet Furry like Fury, and Sure like Pure or Doer?

The cat is called Pussy and Pussy is Fussy, the Crew too is Cruising,

For Hue and Due hear Hew and Dew. It all is most Confusing.

If Hut is like But why is Put not like Putt? It’s enough to make one Howl.

Thank God we’ve sense in our consonants, instead of the mess of each Vowel.

B is Better if you should hear it, for often it is Dumb,

Hiding behind the ‘um’ in words like Thumb and Numb and Crumb.

And C poor creature has a Crisis, a querulous compunction,

Sometimes a K, sometimes an S, depending on its function;

In Cake it’s hard, in Cite it’s soft, in Concert it is Both

Whilst in Concrescence it excels, itself in wordy Growth.

D has nothing to Define it, either past or in the Present

and F is sometimes something else as in Phase or Phlox or Pheasant.

G like C is hard or soft as in Good or Hinge or Gruff

Yet with H makes F, quite a joke, in Laugh or Cough or Rough.

And even forgets itself sometimes in Gnu and Gnome and Gnat

Whilst H is never Sure (or Shore?) Of where it should be at -

With C it’s either hard or soft as in Character and Cheer

Or ...Sh... or ...Th... or on its own in His and Hers and Here.

J is partner to sister G, with Just and Jam and Jot

And doesn’t switch itself around, one of the purest sounds we’ve got.

But not so K, it’s spare at times, when hooking on to N,

Like Known and Knuckle, Knot and Knurl, superfluous to the end

And why have Key and Quay or Kerb and Curb or words spelled like Thick

When C or K alone would serve to clearly do the Trick? (Or Tic?)

And L is often silent as in Calf and Half and Chalk,

And to be single in Lily yet double in Silly is a ludicrous way to Talk.

M is another which reason forsakes, with Comic and Camel and Mimic,

Yet then doubles up to confuse who use, Pummel and Hammock and Gimmick.

And N is no Nicer with Manage yet Manner, and a single N in Man,

To then confuse and even abuse when it goes for a double in Bann.

And P is for Parlous, fraught with Peril, for where is the P sound in Phase?

And we’ve Copy yet Poppy and Leper yet Pepper, no wonder we’re all in a Daze.

R is for Rotten for it is no better, it varies from Very to Ferry

And Mary to Marry and Wary to Worry and even Jury to Jerry.

S is for Stupid with Missal and Thistle and Mussel and Bustle and Ass

Then I cannot see for the life of me, why but one S in Gas.

And T is a letter we hear at Times when it isn’t even There

Like in Chased (not Chaste) and Based (not Baste), it really isn’t Fair.

V is a rare one, clean and pure, standing alone quite Proud,

Not trying to be something else or hiding itself in the Crowd.

W is like most, however, hiding and playing Foul

Like in Wrestle and Wring and Write and Wrong and confusing Bowl and Growl.

Whilst X is something out of the past, inclined to eXpostulate

And we could really do without it, for instance: Eggsasperate!

And Y begins a word alright, clear to ear and Eye

But at the end it’s I or E. Does anyone know Y?

And Z is needed not at all. I’d welcome its Demise

For its sound is made by others like Thighs and Eyes and telling Lize?

So tell me, do you reckon you really can distinguish

What people really mean, when they speak of Simple English?

Kev Richardson